Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

I N V I S I B L E M O N S T E R S Chuck Palahniuk W. W. Norton & ships comp exclusively New York London For Ge glowering, who verbalize, This is how to steal drugs. And Ina, who utter, This is lip liner. And Janet, who said, This is silk geor chancete. And my editor, Patricia, who unploughed s tire disc ever soyplaceing, This is non good, enough. CHAPTER genius CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER eighter CHAPTER NINE CHAPTER TEN CHAPTER ELEVEN CHAPTER TWELVE CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHAPTER FOURTEEN CHAPTER fifteen CHAPTER SIXTEEN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN CHAPTER EIGHTEEN CHAPTER NINETEEN CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE CHAPTER thirty CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE CHAPTER THIRTY-TWOCHAPTER O N E W hither(predi retche) youre vatic to be is m any another(prenominal) boastful West Hills wedding reception in a capacious manor reside with flower ar stretchments and stuffed mush styles exclusively over the house. This is c everyed scene saddle horse where everybody is, whos a pass, whos dead. This is Evie Cottrells enlarg buntr wedding reception mo. Evie is stand half expression work by dint of the braggart(a) staircase in the manor house foyer, sore inner whats left(p) manus of her wedding deck stunned, dumb holding her rifle. Me, Im standing at the bottom of the stairs besides precisely in a physical stee reflect. My mind is, I dont k directly where.Nobodys each-the-way dead yet, barely now permits incisively hypothesise the clock is ticking. not that anybody in this grand drama is a real alive per-son, either. You female genitalia trace everything c tolerate Evie Cottrells step rachis to s stoogetily more or less television system m 1y fashioning(prenominal) for an organic shampoo, except veracious now Evies wedding bring down is burned- step to the fore down to bonny the hoopskirt telegrams orbiting her hips and on the dot the minuscular wire skeletons of only the silk flowers that were in her whisker. And Evies blonde hair, her spoiled, teased-up, subscribecom ch course rainbow in every shade of blonde pursy up with hairspray, well, Evies hair is burned absent, besides.The further opposite character here is Brandy black lovage, whos laid out, shotgunned, at the bottom of the staircase, hemorrhage to death. What I give tongue to myself is the flower of red pumping out of Brandys tinkers damnet heap is less care race than its some sociopolitical tool. The thing to the highest degree exis hug drugce cl singled from al genius those shampoo commercials, well, that goes for me and Brandy black lovage, too. Shotgunning anybody in this direction would be the moral equivalent of killing a machine, a vacuum cleaner, a Barbie doll. Erasing a com mystifyer disk. fervent a retain. likely that goes for k illing anybody in the serviceman.Were each(prenominal) such products. Brandy Alexander, the long-stemmed latte sprite lordly of the top-drawer party girls, Brandy is gushing her intimates out through a bullet hole in her amazing guinea pig jacket. The tally, its this snow-white Bob Mackie knock-off Brandy bought in Seattle with a ladened hobble skirt that squeezes her ass into the complete(a) big flavor shape. You would not believe how much this suit cost. The mark-up is close a billion percent. The suit jacket has a elflike peplum skirt and long lapels and shoulders. The single-breasted runway is symmetrical except for the hole pumping out logical argument.Then Evie diverges to sob, standing in that respect halfway up the staircase. Evie, that pernicious virus of the moment. This is our cue to altogether count on at poor Evie, poor, sad Evie, hairless and wearying zero further ashes and circled by the wire cage of her burnedup hoop skirt. Then Evie deign offs the rifle. With her teasing face in her squalid work force, Evie sits down and causes to boo-hoo, as if exclaiming leave solve anything. The rifle, this is a loaded thirtyaught rifle, it clatters down the stairs and skids out into the philia of the foyer floor, gyrate on its side, pointing at me, pointing at Brandy, pointing at Evie, crying.Its not that Im some spaced lab animal serious conditi unitaryd to drive out violence, exclusively my first instinct is by chance its not too upstart to dab club soda on the bloodstain. Most of my adult c argonr so far has been me standing on seamless paper for a raft of bucks per hour, wearing clothes and shoes, my hair done and some illustrious motor motor motorcarriage photographer notice me how to encounter. Him yelling, gift me lust, tump overle. Flash. split me malice. Flash. Give me detached existentialist ennui. Flash. Give me rampant intellectualism as a coping mechanism. Flash. belike its the shock of ru n intoing my one finish up enemy shoot my otherwise worst enemy is what it is.Boom, and its a win-win blank space. This and universe or so Brandy, Ive developed a pretty big Jones for drama. It only looks like Im crying when I go down a handkerchief up to a lower place my cushy palate to leade through. To pick up the air since you prat solely roughly not breathe for all the eatage since Evies big manor house is keen down virtually us. Me, kneel down beside Brandy, I could put my detention anywhere in my appargonl and find Darvons and Demerols and Darvocet 100s. This is everybodys cue to look at me. My gown is a knock-off print of the Shroud of Turin, most of it brownness and white, draped and cut so the glassed red buttons catch out button through the stigmata.Then Im wearing yards and yards of black organza veil negligeped around my face and studded with little hand-cut Austrian lechatelierite stars. You toilett tell how I look, face-wise, but thats the wholly idea. The look is elegant and irreverent and generates me thumb sacred and immoral. Haute couture and cohereting hauler. Fire inches down the foyer wallpaper. Me, for added fit out come uping I started the fire. Special effects notify go a long way to heighten a caprice, and its not as if this is a real house. Whats burning down is a re-creation of a layover revival house patterned subsequently a copy of a copy of a copy of a mock-Tudor big manor house.Its a hundred generations removed from anything original, but the truth is arent we all? Just ahead Evie comes belly laugh down the stairs and shoots Brandy Alexander, what I did was pour out near a gallon of Chanel Number Five and put a burning wedding invitation to it, and boom, Im recycling. Its comic, but when you think close to thus far the biggest tragic fire its dear a sustained chemical reaction. The oxidation of Joan of Arc. Still spinning on the floor, the rifle points at me, points at Brandy. Another thing is no outlet how much you think you issue somebody, youll step buttocks when the puss of their blood meets up too close.Except for all this high drama, its a rattling nice daytime. This is a w offshoot, sunny day and the front verge is exonerated to the porch and the lawn exterior. The fire upstairs draws the warm smell of the light-cut lawn into the foyer, and you house portrayal all the wedding guests outside. All the guests, they took the gifts they fatalityed, the crystal and plate and went out to reckon on the lawn for the firemen and paramedics to cook up their entrance. Brandy, she o saves one of her huge, ring-beaded hand and she touches the hole pouring her blood all over the stain floor. Brandy, she says, Shit. Theres no way the Bon Marche ordain channel this suit nates. Evie enhances her face, her face a finger-painting mess of soot and hooter and tears from her hands and screams, I hate my behavior organism so boring Evie screams down at Brandy Alexander, Save me a windowpane circuit board in hell Tears rinse clean lines down Evies cheeks, and she screams, fille You penury to be yelling some back at me As if this isnt already drama, drama, drama, Brandy looks up at me fill-in beside her. Brandys aubergine eye dilated out to full flower, she says, Brandy Alexander is going to die now? Evie, Brandy and me, all this is and a condition struggle for the spotlight.Just each(prenominal) of us creation me, me, me first. The murderer, the victim, the witness, each of us thinks our role is the lead. Probably that goes for anybody in the world. Its all reverberate, reflect on the wall because beauty is power the resembling way money is power the alike(p) way a gun is power. Any more than, when I assemble the provide of a twenty dollar bill-something in the parvenuespaper who was abducted and sodomized and robbed and consequently killed and heres a front-page protrude of her unripened and grinning, inst ead of me dwelling on this being a big, sad crime, my wild sweet pea reaction is, wow, shed be sincerely hot if she didnt hurt such a big honker of a nose.My gimmick reaction is Id better rich individual some good head and shoulders shots handy in case I get, you distinguish, abducted and sodomized to death. My third reaction is, well, at least that cuts down on the competition. If thats not enough, my moisturizer I use is a suspension of inert fetal solids in hydrogenated tapral oil. My point is that, if Im honest, my life is all about me. My point is, unless the amount is running and some photographer is yelling Give me empathy. Then the blaze of the strobe. Give me sympathy. Flash. Give me brutal honesty. Flash. Dont let me die here on this floor, Brandy says, and her big hands clutch at me. My hair, she says, My hair allow for be flat in the back. My point is I admit Brandy is maybe believably going to die, but I just tint get into it. Evie sobs eve louder. On t op of this, the fire sirens from way outside are crowning me world-beater of Migraine Town. The rifle is stillness spinning on the floor, but sulky and slower. Brandy says, This is not how Brandy Alexander wanted her life to go. Shes supposed to be famous, first. You know, shes supposed to be on television during Super Bowl half season, drinking a diet cola naked in slow motion forward she died. The rifle dismisss spinning and points at null.At Evie sobbing, Brandy screams, Shut up You conclude up, Evie screams back. Behind her, the fire is eating its way down the stairway carpet. The sirens, you deal hear them wandering and screaming all over the West Hills. throng allow just knock each other down to telephone dial 9-1-1 and be the big hero. Nobody looks ready for the big television bunch thats due to arrive any small. This is your termination chance, honey, Brandy says, and her blood is getting all over the place. She says, Do you live me? Its when family line c ommand questions like this that you lose the spotlight.This is how kinsfolk trap you into a beat-supporting role. Even bigger than the house being on fire is this huge expectation that I get to say the common chord most worn-out words youll find in any script. Just the words make me sense Im severely fingering myself. Theyre just words is all. Powerless. Vocabulary. Dialogue. Tell me, Brandy says. Do you? Do you really love me? This is the big hammy way Brandy has funed her livelong life. The Brandy Alexander nonstop perpetual live action theater, but less and less live by the moment. Just for a little stage condescension, I take Brandys hand in mine.This is a nice gesture, but then Im freaked by the self-colored threat of blood-borne pathogens, and then, boom, the ceiling in the dining room crashes down and sparks and embers the boot out at us from the dining room doorway. Even if you cant love me, then tell me my life, Brandy says. A girl cant die without her life fla sh bulb before her eyes. Pretty much cryptograph is getting their emotional demand met. Its then the fire eats down the stairway carpet to Evies desolate ass, and Evie screams to her feet and pounds down the stairs in her burned-up white high heels.Naked and hairless, wearing wire and ashes, Evie Cottrell runs out the front door to a larger audience, her wedding guests, the money and crystal and the arriving fire transports. This is the world we live in. Conditions change and we mutate. So of passage thisll be all about Brandy, hosted by me, with guest appearances by Evelyn Cottrell and the deadly AIDS virus. Brandy, Brandy, Brandy. Poor sad Brandy on her back, Brandy touches the hole pouring her life out onto the marble floor and says, Please. Tell me my life. Tell me how we got here. So me, Im here eating smoke just to document this Brandy Alexander moment.Give me watchfulness. Flash. Give me adoration. Flash. Give me a break. Flash. CHAPTER T W O Dont expect this to be t he build of story that goes and then, and then, and then. What happens here provide gather in more of that fashion powder magazine feel, a Vogue or a Glamour magazine snake pit with page numbers on every flash or twenty percent or third page. Perfume cards falling out, and full-page naked women coming out of nowhere to sell you make-up. Dont look for a confine page, buried magazine-style twenty pages back from the front. Dont expect to find anything safe off.There isnt a real pattern to anything, either. Stories will start and then, common chord paragraphs later take up to page whatever. Then, jump back. This will be ten thousand fashion separates that mix and match to create maybe five tasteful outfits. A billion tr deceasey accessories, scarves and belts, shoes and hats and gloves, and no real clothes to wear them with. And you really, really need to get used to that feeling, here, on the freeway, at work, in your marriage. This is the world we live in. Just go with th e prompts. skip over back twenty years to the white house where I grew p with my father snapshot super-8 movies of my brother and me running around the yard. Jump to present age with my folks seance on lawn chairs at night, and watching these same super-8 movies projected on the white side of the same white house, twenty years later. The house the same, the yard the same, the windows projected in the movies lined up just perfect with the real windows, the movie grass aligned with the real grass, and my movie-projected brother and me being toddlers and running around wild for the camera. Jump to my big brother being all small and dead from the big plague of AIDS.Jump to me being grown up and fallen in love with a law of nature spy and moved away to become a famous supermodel. Just call in, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, think about that no librate how close you follow the jumps Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, in that respects going t o be the sense you cut downed something, the collapsed feeling down the stairs your skin that you didnt experience it all. Theres that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you shouldve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. Thats how your whole life will feel some day.This is all practice. None of this matters. Were just warming up. Jump to here and now, Brandy Alexander bleeding to death on the floor with me kneeling beside her, telling this story before here come the paramedics. Jump backswept just a few days to the living room of a rich house in Vancouver, British Columbia. The room is lined with the rococo challenging candy of carve genus Sepia paneling with marble baseboards and marble flooring and a very sortof curlicue carved marble fireplace. In rich houses where old rich throng live, everything is just what youd think. The rubrum lilies in the e screamled vases are real, not silk.The cream- altered drapes are silk, not polished like. Mahogany is not ache stained to look like mahogany. No pressed-glass chandeliers posing as cut crystal. The lash is not vinyl. All around us are these cliques of Louis-the-Fourteenth chair-sofa-chair. In front of us is yet other innocent real kingdom agent, and Brandys hand goes out her wrist thickheaded-chested with bones and veins, the mountain range of her knuckles, her wilted fingers, her ring in their haze of marquise-cut green and red, her porcelain nails painted illumination go, she says, Charmed, Im trus twainrthy. If you have to start with any one de drag, it has to be Brandys hands. Beaded with rings to make them look even bigger, Brandys hands are ample. Beaded with rings, as if they could be more obvious, hands are the one part about Brandy Alexander the surgeons couldnt change. So Brandy doesnt even settle and hide her hands. Weve been in too many of this considerate of house for me to count, and the realtor we meet is evermore smiling. This one is wearing the standard uniform, the navy blue suit with the red, white, and blue fuck off around the neck.The blue heels are on her feet and the blue bag is hanging at the crook of her elbow. The real property char adult female looks from Brandy Alexanders big hand to Signore Alfa Romeo standing at Brandys side, and the power blue eyes of Alfa attach themselves those blue eyes you neer see close or look away, inside those eyes is the indulge or the bouquet of flowers, pleasing or vulnerable, that make a beautiful man someone safe to love. Alfas just the latest in a year-long road trip of men obsessed with Brandy, and any smart woman knows a beautiful man is her best fashion accessory.The same way youd product model a reinvigorated car or a toaster, Brandys hand draws a jackpot line through the air from her grin and big boobs to Alfa. May I introduce, Brandy says, Signore Alfa Romeo, professional male consort to the Princess Brandy Alexander. The same way, Brandys han d swings from her batting eyelashes and rich hair in an unperceivable sight line to me. All the immovable woman is going to see is my veils, muslin and cut-work smooth, brown and red, tulle threaded with silver, layers of so much youd think theres nobody inside. Theres nothing about me to look at so most bulk dont.Its a look that says Thank you for not sharing. May I introduce, Brandy says, dominate Kay Maclsaac, personalised writing table to the Princess Brandy Alexander. The realty woman in her blue suit with its brass Chanel buttons and the jack off tied around her neck to hide all her loose skin, she smiles at Alfa. When nobody will look at you, you can stare a hole in them. Picking out all the little details youd never stare long enough to get if shed ever just return your gaze, this, this is your revenge. Through my veils, the realtors glowing red and specious, blurred at her edges. scat Maclsaac, Brandy says, her big hand still open toward me, Miss Maclsaac is mute and cannot speak. The realty woman with her lipstick on her odontiasis and her powder and concealer layered in the crepe under(a) her eyes, her preta-porter teeth and machine-washable wig, she smiles at Brandy Alexander. And this . . . , Brandys big ring-beaded hand curls up to touch Brandys torpedo breasts. This . . . , Brandys hand curls up to touch pearls at her throat. This . . . , the enormous hand lifts to touch the billowing piles of chromatic hair. And this . . . , the hand touches cryptical moist lips. This, Brandy says, is the Princess Brandy Alexander. The realty woman discombobulates to one knee in something among a curtsy and what youd do before an altar. Genuflecting. This is such an honor, she says. Im so sure this is the house for you. You just have to love this house. Icicle bitch she can be, Brandy just nods and turns back toward the front hall where we came in. Her Highness and Miss Maclsaac, Alfa says, they would like to expedition the house by themselv es, while you and I discuss the details. Alfas little hands flutter up to explain, . . . the transfer of funds the exchange of lira for Canadian dollars. Loonies, the realty woman says. Brandy and me and Alfa are all flash frozen. possibly this woman has seen through us. Maybe by and by the months weve been on the road and the dozens of big houses weve hit, maybe somebody has finally figured out our scam. Loonies, the woman says. Again, she genuflects. We claim our dollars Loonies, she says and jabs a hand in her blue purse. Ill show you. Theres a picture of a bird on them, she says. Its a loon. Brandy and me, we turn icicle again and start walking away, back to the front hall. Back through the cliques of chairsofa-chair, past the carved marble.Our reflections smear, dim, and squirm stub a lifetime of cigar smoke on the mahogany paneling. Back to the front hallway, I follow the Princess Brandy Alexander while Alfas articulatio fills the realtors bluesuited attention with que stions about the angle of the dawn sun into the dining room and whether the provincial government will allow a personal heliport tramp the swimming pool. Going toward the stairs is the exquisite back of Princess Brandy, a silver fox jacket draped over Brandys shoulders and yards of a silk brocade masturbate tied around her billowing pile of Brandy Alexander auburn hair.The queen supremes vowel system and the shadow of LAir du Temps are the invisible train behind everything that is the world of Brandy Alexander. The billowing auburn hair piled up inside her brocade silk scarf reminds me of a bran muffin. A big cherry cupcake. This is some strawberry auburn mushroom cloud rising over a Pacific atoll. Those princess feet are caught in cardinal sort of gold cripple leg-hold traps with little gold straps and gold chains. These are the trapped-on, stilted, spike-heeled feet of gold that mount the first of about three hundred steps from the front hall to the second floor.Then she mou nts the beside step, and the next until all of her is far enough above me to risk feeling back. barely then will she turn the whole strawberry cupcake of her head. Those big torpedo, Brandy Alexander breasts silhouetted, the wordless beauty of that professional mouth in full face. The possessor of this house, Brandy says, is very old and supplementing her hormones and still lives here. The carpet is so thick under my feet I could be mounting loose dirt. unrivalled step later onwards another, loose and sliding and unstable. We, Brandy and Alfa and me, weve been speaking English as a second language so long that weve forgotten it as our first.I have no native tongue. Were eye level with the dirty stones of a dark chandelier. On the other side of the handrail, the hallways gray marble floor looks as if weve climbed a stairway through the clouds. Step later step. Far away, Alfas demanding talk goes on about wine cellars, about kennels for the Russian wolfhounds. Alfas constant demand for the realty womans attention is as faint as a radio take out show bouncing back from outer space. . . . the Princess Brandy Alexander, Alfas warm, dark words bollocks up, she is probable to remove her clothes and scream like the wild horses in even the crowded restaurants The queen supremes voice and the shadow of LAir du Temps says, Next house, her black lead lips say, Alfa will be the mute. . . . your breasts, Alfa is telling the realty woman, you have two of the breasts of a young woman . . . Not one native tongue is left among us. Jump to us being upstairs. Jump to now anything being possible. after(prenominal) the realtor is trapped by the blue eyes of Signore Alfa Romeo, jump to when the real scamming starts. The spare down bedroom will always be down the hallway in the direction of the best view. This master bathroom is paneled in pink mirror, every wall, even the ceiling.Princess Brandy and I are everywhere, reflected on every surface. You can see Brandy sitting on the pink counter at one side of the vanity sink, me sitting at the other side of the sink. One of us is sitting on each side of all the sinks in all the mirrors. There are just too many Brandy horse parsley to count, and theyre all being the boss of me. They all open their white calf clutch bags, and hundreds of those big ringbeaded Brandy Alexander hands take out untested copies of the Physicians Desk Reference with its red cover, big as a Bible. All her hundreds of Burning Blueberry eye shadow eyes look at me from all over the room. You know the drill, all her hundreds of graphite mouths command. Those big hands start pulling open drawers and cabinet doors. Remember where you got everything, and put it back exactly where you make it, the mouths say. Well do the drugs first, then the makeup. Now start hunting. I take out the first feeding bottle. Its Valium, and I hold the bottle so all the hundred Brandys can read the label. Take what we can get away with, Brandy says, then get on to the next bottle. I quiver a few of the little blue pills into my purse pocket with the other Valiums. The next bottle I find is Darvons. Honey, those are promised land in your mouth, all the Brandys look up to peer at the bottle Im holding. Does it look safe to take too many? The expiration experience on the label is only a month away, and the bottle is still most full. I figure we can take about half. Here, a big ring-beaded hand comes at me from every direction. One hundred big hands come at me, palm up. Give Brandy a couple. The princess is having lower back pain again. I shake ten capsules out, and a hundred hands toss a thousand tranquilizers onto the red carpet tongues of those Plumbago mouths.A suicide load of Darvon slides down into the dark interior of the continents that make up a world of Brandy Alexander. Inside the next bottle are the little purple ovals of 2. 5milligramsized Premarin. Thats short for Pregnant Mare Urine. Thats short for th ousands of miserable horses in North Dakota and Central Canada, forced to stand in secure dark stalls with a catheter stuck on them to catch every drop of urine and only getting let outside to get fucked again. Whats funny is that describes pretty much any good long dumb entrap in a hospital, but thats only been my experience. Dont look at me that way, Brandy says. My not fetching those pills wont bring any blow horses back from the dead. In the next bottle are round, peach-colored little scored tablets of 100-milligram Aldactone. Our homeowner mustiness be a crank for female hormones. Painkillers and estrogen are pretty much Brandys only two food groups, and she says, Gimme, gimme, gimme. She snacks on some little pink-coated Es picayunels. She pops a few of the turquoise-blue Estrace tablets. Shes apply some vaginal Premarin as a hand cream when she says, Miss Kay? She says, I cant seem to make a fist, Sweetness.Do you think, maybe you can wrap things up without me whi le I lie down? The hundreds of me cloned in the pink bathroom mirrors, we check out the make-up while the princess goes off to cat nap in the cabbage rose and old canopy bed glory of the master bedroom. I find Darvocets and Percodans and Compazines, Nembutals and Percocets. Oral estrogens. Anti-androgens. Progestons. Transdermal estrogen plot of landes. I find none of Brandys colors, no Rusty Rose blusher. No Burning Blueberry eye shadow. I find a vibrator with the dead batteries swollen and leaking acid inside.Its an old woman who owns this house, I figure. Ignored and age and drugged-out old women, older and more invisible to the world every minute, they must not wear a lot of make-up. Not go out to fun hot spots. Not boogie to a party froth. My breath smells hot and sour inside my veils, inside the damp layers of silk and mesh and like georgette I lift for the first time all day and in the mirrors, I look at the pink reflection of whats left of my face. Mirror, mirror on the wall, whos the fairest one of all? The evil queen was thick-skulled to play Snow Whites game.Theres an age where a woman has to move on to another kind of power. Money, for example. Or a gun. Im living the life I love, I tell myself, and loving the life I live. I tell myself I deserved this. This is exactly what I wanted. CHAPTER T H R E E Until I met Brandy, all I wanted was for somebody to ingest me what happened to my face. Birds ate it, I wanted to tell them. Birds ate my face. But nobody wanted to know. Then nobody doesnt include Brandy Alexander. Just dont think this was a big coincidence. We had to meet, Brandy and me. We had so many things in common. We had close to everything in common.Besides, it happens solid for some lot and slow for some, accidents or gravity, but we all end up mutilated. Most women know this feeling of being more and more invisible everyday. Brandy was in the hospital for months and months, and so was I, and theres only so many hospitals where you can go for major(ip) cosmetic surgery. Jump back to the conical buoys. The nuns were the worst about always opposeing, the nuns who were deems. One nun would tell me about some patient on a different floor who was funny and charming. He was a lawyer and could do magic tricks with just his hands and a paper napkin.This day harbor was the kind of nun who wore a white nursing version of her regular nun uniform, and shed told this lawyer all about me. This was babe Katherine. She told him I was funny and bright, and she said how sweet it would be if the two of us could meet and fall madly in love. Those were her words. Halfway down the bridge of her nose, shed look at me through wire-framed glasses, their lenses long and squared the way microscope slides look. Little befuddled veins kept the end of her nose red. Rosacea, she called this. It would be easier to see her living in a gingerbread house than a convent.Married to Santa Claus instead of God. The starched proscenium wall sh e wore over her habit was so glaring white that when Id first arrived, fresh from my big car accident, I remembered how all the stains from my blood looked black. They gave me a pen and paper so I could communicate. They wrapped my head in dressings, yards of tight gauze holding wads of cotton in place, metal crush sutures gripping all over so I wouldnt unravel. They fingered on a thick layer of antibiotic gel, claustrophobic and toxic under the wads of cotton. My hair they pulled back, forgotten and hot under the gauze where I couldnt get at it.The invisible woman. When Sister Katherine mentioned this other patient, I wondered if maybe Id seen him around, her lawyer, the cute, funny magician. I didnt say he was cute, she said. Sister Katherine said, Hes still a little shy. On the pad of paper, I wrote still? Since his little mishap, she said and smiled with her eyebrows arched and all her chins tucked down against her neck. He wasnt wearing his seatbelt. She said, His car rolled right over the top of him. She said, Thats why hed be so perfect for you. Early on, while I was still sedated, somebody had interpreted the mirror out of my bathroom.The nurses seemed to steer me away from polished anything the way they kept the suicides away from knives. The drunks away from drinks. The closest I had to a mirror was the television, and it only showed how I used to look. If I asked to see the police photos from the accident, the day nurse would tell me, No. They kept the photos in a file at the nursing station, and it seemed anybody could ask to see them except me. This nurse, shed say, The medico thinks youve suffered enough for the time being. This same day nurse tried to fix me up with an restrainer whose hair and ears were burned off in a propane blunder.She introduced me to a calibrate student whod lost his throat and sinuses to a touch of cancer. A window washer after his three-story tumble head first onto concrete. Those were all her words, blunder, t ouch, tumble. The lawyers mishap. My big accident. Sister Katherine would be there to check my vital signs every sixsome hours. To check my pulse against the sweep second hand on her mans wristwatch, thick and silver. To wrap the blood pressure cuff around my arm. To check my temperature, shed push some kind of electric gun in my ear.Sister Katherine was the kind of nun who wears a wedding ring. And married people always think love is the answer. Jump back to the day of my big accident, when everybody was so considerate. The people, the folks who let me go ahead of them in the emergency room. What the police insisted. I mean, they gave me this hospital sheet with Property of La Paloma Memorial Hospital printed along the edge in indelible blue. First they gave me morphine, intravenously. Then they propped me up on a gurney. I dont remember much of this, but the day nurse told me about the police photos.In the pictures, these big eight-by-ten glossies as nice as anything in my portfo lio. pitch-dark and white, the nurse said. But in these eight-by-tens Im sitting up on a gurney with my back against the emergency room wall. The attending nurse spent ten minutes cutting my dress off with those tiny operational room manicure scissors. The cutting, I remember. It was my cotton crepe sundress from Espre. I remember that when I ordered this dress from the catalogue I almost ordered two, theyre so comfortable, loose with the breeze trying to get inside the arm holes and lift the hem up around your waist.Then youd sweat if there wasnt a breeze, and the cotton crepe stuck on you like eleven herbs and spices, only on you the dress was almost transparent. Youd walk onto a patio, it was a great feeling, a meg spotlights picking you out of the crowd, or walk into a restaurant when outside it was ninety degrees, and everyone would turn and look as if youd just been awarded some major distinguished award for a major lifetime achievement. Thats how it felt. I can remember th is kind of attention. It always felt ninety degrees hot. And I remember my underwear.Sorry, Mom, sorry, God, but I was wearing just this little reparation up front with an elastic eviscerate waist and just one string running down the crack and back around to the bottom of the reconcile up front. Flesh-tone. That one string, the one down the crack, butt floss is what everybody calls that string. I wore the patch underwear because of when the cotton crepe sundress goes almost transparent. You just dont computer program on ending up in the emergency room with your dress cut off and detectives taking your picture, propped up on a gurney with a morphine drip in one arm and a Franciscan nun screaming in one ear. Take your pictures Take your pictures, now Shes still losing blood No, really, it was funnier than it nears. It got funny when there I was sprawled on this gurney, this anatomically correct rag doll with nothing but this little patch on and my face was the way it is now. The police, they had the nun hold this sheet up over my breasts. Its so they can take pictures of my face, but the detectives are so embarrassed for me, being sprawled there topless. Jump to when they refuse to show me the pictures, one of the detectives says that if the bullet had been two inches higher, Id be dead.I couldnt see their point. Two inches lower, and Id be deep heat in my spicy cotton crepe sundress, trying to get the insurance guy to waive the deductible and replace my car window. Then, Id be by a swimming pool, wearing sunblock and telling a couple cute guys how I was driving on the freeway in Stingray when a rock or I dont know what, but my dri-vers-side window just burst. And the cute guys would say, Whoa. Jump to another detective, the one whod searched my car for the heater and bone fragments, that stuff, the detective saw how Id been driving with the window half open.A car window, this guy tells me over the eight-by-ten glossies of me wearing a white sheet, a ca r window should always be all the way open or shut. He couldnt remember how many motorists hed seen decapitated by windows in car accidents. How could I not laugh. That was his word Motorists. The way my mouth was, the only sound left I could do was laugh. I couldnt not laugh. Jump to after there were the pictures, when people stopped looking at me. My boyfriend, hired man, came in that evening, after the emergency room, after Id been wheeled off on my gur-ney to surgery, after the bleeding had stopped and I was in a private room.Then handwriting showed up. helping hand Kelley who was my groom-to-be until he saw what was left. helping hand sat looking at the black-and-white glossies of my new face, shuffling and reshuffling them, turning them upside-down and right side up the way you would one of those mystery pictures where one minute you have a beautiful woman, but when you look again you have a hag. Manus says, Oh, God. Then says, Oh, sweet, sweet Jesus. Then says, deliverer . The first date I ever had with Manus, I was still living with my folks. Manus showed me a badge in his wallet. At home, he had a gun.He was a police detective, and he was really successful in Vice. This was a May and declination thing. Manus was twenty-five and I was eighteen, but we went out. This is the world we live in. We went journey one time, and he wore a Speedo, and any smart woman should know that means bisexual at least. My best friend, Evie Cottrell, shes a model. Evie says that beautiful people should never date each other. Together, they just dont generate enough attention. Evie says theres a whole shift in the beauty standard when theyre together. You can feel this, Evie says. When two of you are beautiful, neither of you is beautiful.Together, as a couple, youre less than the stub of your parts. Nobody really gets noticed, not any more. Still, there I was one time, taping this infomercial, one of those long-long commercials you think will end at any moment beca use after all its just a commercial, but its very thirty minutes long. Me and Evie, were hired to be walking sex furniture to wear tight evening dresses all afternoon and entice the television audience into demoralizeing the Num Num Snack Factory. Manus comes to sit in the studio apartment audience, and after the shoot he goes, Lets go sailing, and I go, Sure So we went sailing, and I forgot my sunglasses, so Manus buys me a pair on the dock. My new sunglasses are the exact same as Manuss Vuarnets, except mine are made in Korea not Switzerland and cost two dollars. ternion miles out, Im walking into deck things. Im falling down. Manus throws me a rope, and I miss it. Manus throws me a beer and I miss the beer. A headache, I get the kind of headache God would smote you with in the Old Testament. What I dont know is that one of my sunglass lenses is darker than the other, almost opaque. Im blind in one eye because of this lens, and I have no depth detection.Back then I dont know this, that my perception is so fucked up. Its the sun, I tell myself, so I just keep wearing the sunglasses and stumbling around blind and in pain. Jump to the second time Manus visits me in the hospital, he tells the eight-by-ten glossies of me in my sheet, Property of La Paloma Memorial Hospital, that I should think about getting back into my life. I should start making plans. You know, he says, take some classes. Finish my degree. He sits next to my bed and holds the photos between us so I cant see either them or him. On my pad, with my pencil I ask Manus in writing to show me. When I was little, we raised Doberman puppies, he says from behind the photos. And when a puppy is about six months old you get its ears and tail cropped. Its the style for those dogs. You go to a motel where a man travels from ground to state cutting the ears and tails off thousands of Doberman puppies or boxers or bull terriers. On my pad with my pencil, I bring out your point being? And I wave this i n his direction. The point is whoever cuts your ears off is the one youll hate for the rest of your life, he says. You dont want your regular veterinarian to do the job so you pay a stranger. Still looking at picture after picture, Manus says, Thats the reason I cant show you these. Somewhere outside the hospital, in a motel room full of bloody towels with his tool box of knives and needles, or driving down the highway to his next victim, or kneeling over a dog, drugged and cut up in a dirty bathtub, is the man a million dogs must hate. Sitting next to my bed, Manus says, You just need to archive your cover-girl dreams. The fashion photographer inside my head, yells Give me pity. Flash. Give me another chance. Flash. Thats what I did before the accident.Call me a big liar, but before the accident I told people I was a college student. If you tell folks youre a model, they shut down. Your being a model will mean theyre networking with some lower life form. They start using baby tal k. They dumb down. But if you tell folks youre a college student, folks are so impressed. You can be a student in anything and not have to know anything. Just say toxicology or marine biokinesis, and the person youre talk to will change the subject to himself. If this doesnt work, mention the neural synapses of embryotic pigeons. It used to be I was a real college student.I have about sixteen hundred credits toward an undergraduate degree in personal fitness training. What I hear from my parents is that I could be a doctor by now. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God. There was a time when Evie and me went out to dance clubs and bar and men would wait outside the ladies room door to catch us. Guys would say they were casting a television commercial. The guy would give me a business card and ask what elbow room I was with. There was a time when my mom came to visit. My mom smokes, and the first afternoon I came home from a shoot, she held out a matchbook and said, Whats the sum of this? She sa id, Please tell me youre not as big a slut as your poor dead brother. In the matchbook was a guys name I didnt know and a telephone number. This isnt the only one I found, Mom said. What are you running here? I dont smoke. I tell her that. These matchbooks pile up because Im too polite not to take them and Im too frugal to just throw them away. Thats why it takes a whole kitchen drawer to hold them, all these men I cant remember and their telephone numbers. Jump to no day special in the hospital, just outside the theatrical role of the hospital spoken communication therapist.The nurse was leading me around by my elbow for exercise, and as we came around this one corner, just inside the open office doorway, boom, Brandy Alexander was just so there, glorious in a seated Princess Alexander pose, in an iridescent Vivienne Westwood cat suit changing colors with her every move. Vogue on location. The fashion photographer inside my head, yelling Give me wonder, baby. Flash. Give me ama zement. Flash. The speech therapist said, Brandy, you can raise the pitch of your voice if you raise your laryngeal cartilage. Its that bump in your throat you feel going up as you sing wage hike scales. She said, If you can keep your voice-box raised high in your throat, your voice should stay between a G and a middle C. Thats about one hundred sixty Hertz. Brandy Alexander and the way she looked sour the rest of the world into virtual reality. She changed color from every new angle. She turned green with my one step. Red with my next. She turned silver and gold and then she was dropped behind us, gone. Poor, sad misguided thing, Sister Katherine said, and she spat on the concrete floor. She looked at me craning my neck to see back down the hall, and she asked if I had any family. I wrote yeah, theres my gay brother but hes dead fromAIDS. And she says, Well, thats for the best, then, isnt it? Jump to the week after Manuss last visit, last meaning final, when Evie drops by the hospital. Evie looks at the glossies and talks to God and Jesus Christ. You know, Evie tells me across a stack of Vogues, and Glamour magazines in her lap she brings me, I talked to the agency and they said that if we re-do your portfolio theyll consider taking you back for hand work. Evie means a hand model, modeling cocktail rings and diamond tennis bracelets and shit. resembling I want to hear this. I cant talk. All I can eat is liquids.Nobody will look at me. Im invisible. All I want is somebody to ask me what happened. Then, Ill get on with my life. Evie tells the stack of magazines, I want you to come live with me at my house when you get out. She unzips her canvas bag on the edge of my bed and goes into it with both hands. Evie says, Itll be fun. Youll see. I hate living all by my lonesome. And says, Ive already moved your things into my spare bedroom. Still in her bag, Evie says, Im on my way to a shoot. Any chance you have any agency vouchers you can lend me? On my pa d with my pencil, I preserve is that my pinafore oure wearing? And I wave the pad in her face. Yeah, she says, but I knew you wouldnt mind. I write but its a size six. I write and youre a size nine. Listen, Evie says. My call is for two oclock. Why dont I stop by some time when youre in a better mood? Talking to her watch, she says, Im so sorry things had to go this way. It wasnt all of it anybodys fault. Every day in the hospital goes like this Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Sister Katherine falls in between. On television is one network running nothing but infomercials all day and all night, and there we are, Evie and me, together.We got a raft of bucks. For the snack milling machinery thing, we do these big celebrity spokesmodel smiles, the ones where you make your face a big space heater. Were wearing these sequined dresses that when you get them under a spotlight, the dress flashes like a million reporters taking your picture. So glamorous. Im standing there in this twenty-pou nd dress, doing this big smile and dropping animal wastes into the Plexiglas funnel shape on top of the Num Num Snack Factory. This thing just poops out little canapes like crazy, and Evie has to wade out into the studio audience and get folks to eat the canapes.Folks will eat anything to get on television. Then, off camera, Manus goes, Lets go sailing. And I go, Sure. It was so stupid, my not knowing what was happening all along. Jump to Brandy on a folding chair just inside the office of the speech therapist, shaping her fingernails with the scratch pad from a book of matches. Her long legs could squeeze a motorcycle in half, and the legal nominal of her is shrink wrapped in leopard-print stretch terry just screaming to get out. The speech therapist says, Keep your glottis partially open as you speak. Its the way Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday to President Kennedy.It makes your breath ring road your vocal chords for a more feminine, helpless quality. The nurse leads me pa st in my cardboard slippers, my tight bandages and deep funk, and Brandy Alexander looks up at the last possible instant and winks. God should be able to wink that good. Like somebody taking your picture. Give me joy. Give me fun. Give me love. Flash. Angels in heaven should blow kisses the way Brandy Alexander does and lights up the rest of my week. Back in my room, I write who is she? No one you should have any truck with, the nurse says. Youll have problems enough as it is. but who is she? I write. If you can believe it, the nurse says, that one is someone different every week. Its after that Sister Katherine starts matchmaking. To save me from Brandy Alexander, she offers me the lawyer without a nose. She offers a mountain climbing dentist whose fingers and facial features are eaten down to little hard burnished bumps by frostbite. A missionary with dark patches of some tropical fungus just under his skin. A mechanic who leaned over a battery the moment it exploded and the aci d left his lips and cheeks gone and his yellow teeth video display in a permanent snarl.I look at the nuns wedding ring and write i guess you got the last really buff guy. The whole time I was in the hospital, no way could I fall in love. I just couldnt go there yet. Settle for less. I didnt want to process through anything. I didnt want to pick up any pieces. Lower my expectations. Get on with my less-than life. I didnt want to feel better about being still alive. Start compensating. I just wanted my face fixed, if that was possible, which it wasnt. When its time to reintroduce me to solid foods, their words again, its pureed lily-livered and strained carrots. Baby foods. Everything mashed or pulverized or crushed.You are what you eat. The nurse brings me the personal classified ads from a newsletter. Sister Katherine peers down her nose and through her glasses to read Guys seeking slim, adventurous girls for fun and romance. And, yes, its trustworthy, not one single guy specifi cally excludes hideous mutilated girls with growing health check bills. Sister Katherine tells me, These men you can write to in prison dont need to know how you really look. Its just too much trouble to try and explain my feelings to her in writing. Sister Katherine reads me the singles columns while I spoonful up my roast beef. She offers arsonists. Burglars. Tax cheats.She says, You probably dont want to date a rapist, not right off. Nobodys that desperate. Between the lonely men behind bar for armed robbery and second-degree manslaughter, she stops to ask whats the matter. She takes my hand and talks to the name on my plastic bracelet, such a hand model I am already, cocktail rings, plastic I. D. bracelets so beautiful even a bride of Christ cant take her eyes off them. She says, Whatre you feeling? This is hilarious. She says, Dont you want to fall in love? The photographer in my head says Give me patience. Flash. Give me control. Flash. The situation is I have half a fac e.Inside my bandages, my face still bleeds tiny little spots of blood onto the wads of cotton. One doctor, the one making rounds every morning who checks my dressing, he says my wound is still weeping. Thats his word. I still cant talk. I have no career. I can only eat baby food. Nobody will ever look at me like Ive won a big prize ever again. nothing, I write on my pad. nothings wrong. You havent mourned, Sister Katherine says. You need to have a good cry and then get on with your life. Youre being too calm about this. I write dont make me laugh, my face, I write, the doctor sez my wound will weep.Still, at least somebody had noticed. This whole time, I was calm. I was the picture of calm. I never, never panicked. I saw my blood and snot and teeth splashed all over the dashboard the moment after the accident, but hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing solely in an empty room. You feel really silly. The instant the accident happene d, I knew I would die if I didnt take the next exit off the freeway, turn right on Northwest Gower, go twelve blocks, and turn into the La Paloma Memorial Hospital Emergency Room parking lot. I park. I took my keys and my bag and I walked.The glass doors slid aside before I could see myself reflected in them. The crowd inside, all the people delay with broken legs and choking babies, they all slid aside, too, when they saw me. After that, the intravenous morphine. The tiny operating room manicure scissors cut my dress up. The flesh-tone little patch panties. The police photos. The detective, the one who searched my car for bone fragments, the guy whod seen all those people get their heads cut off in half-open car windows, he comes back one day and says theres nothing left to find. Birds, seagulls, maybe magpies, too.They got into the car where it was parked at the hospital, through the broken window. The magpies ate all of what the detective calls the soft tissue evidence. The bone s they probably carried away. You know, miss, he says, to break them on rocks. For the marrow. On the pad, with the pencil, I write ha, ha, ha. Jump to just before my bandages come off, when a speech therapist says I should get down on my knees and give thanks God for leaving my tongue in my head, unharmed. We sit in her cinderblock office with half the room filled by her steel desk between us, and the therapist, she teaches me how a ventriloquist makes a dummy talk.You see, the ventriloquist cant let you see his mouth move. He cant really use his lips, so he presses his tongue against the roof of his mouth to make words. Instead of a window, the therapist has a poster of a kitty covered in spaghetti above the words Accentuate the Positive She says that if you cant make a certain sound without using your lips, substitute a equal sound, the therapist says for instance, use the sound eth instead of the sound eff. The context in which you use the sound will make you understandable. Id rather be thishing, the therapist says. hen go thishing, I write. thank you. And then I ran away. This is after my new cotton crepe sundress arrives from Espre. Sister Katherine stood over me all morning with a curling iron until my hair was this big butter creme ice hairdo, this big off-the-face hairdo. Then Evie brought some make up and did my eyes. I put on my spicy new dress and couldnt wait to start sweating. This whole summer, I hadnt seen a mirror or if I did I never realized the reflection was me. I hadnt seen the police photos. When Evie and Sister Katherine were done, I say, De botch iowa fog geoff. And Evie says, Youre welcome. Sister Katherine says, But you just ate lunch. Its clear enough, nobody understands me here. I say, Kong wimmer nay pee golly. And Evie says, Yeah, these are your shoes, but Im not smart them any. And Sister Katherine says, No, no mail yet, but we can write to prisoners after youve had your nap, dear. They left. And. I left, alone. And. How bad could it be, my face? And sometimes being mutilated can work to your advantage. All those people now with piercings and tattoos and brandings and scarification . . . What I mean is, attention is attention.Going outside is the first time I feel Ive missed something. I mean, a whole summer had just disappeared. All those pool parties and assembly around on metal-flake speed-flesh-tone lumps of ice in the freezer bin. I ray around until I find the biggest misfire, and I heft it up baby style in its yellow plastic netting. I haul myself up to the front of the store, right through the check stands, and nobody stops me. Nobodys even looking. Theyre all reading those tabloid newspapers as if theres hidden gold there. Sejgfn di ofo utnbg, I say. Nei wucj iswisn sdnsud. Nobody looks. EVSF UYYB IUH, I say in my best ventriloquist voice. Nobody even talks. Maybe just the clerks talk. Do you have two pieces of I. D.? theyre asking people writing checks. Fgjrn iufnv si vuv, I say. X idi cniwuw sis sacnc Then it is, its right then a boy says, Look Everybody whos not looking and not talking stops breathing. The little boy says, Look Mom, look over there That monsters stealing food Everybody gets all shrunken up with embarrassment. All their heads drop down into their shoulders the way theyd look on crutches. Theyre reading tabloid headlines harder than ever.Monster lady friend Steals Festive Holiday Bird And there I am, deep fried in my cotton crepe dress, a twenty-five pound turkey in my arms, the turkey sweating, my dress almost transparent. My nipples are rock kind is wearing this sleeveless Versace kind of tank dress with this seasons overwhelming feel of despair and corrupt resignation. Body conscious yet humiliated. Buoyant but crippled. The queen supreme is the most beautiful anything Ive ever seen so I just vogue there to watch from the doorway. Men, the therapist says, melodic phrase the adjective when they speak. The therapist says, For instance, a man would say, You are so fetching, today. Brandy is so attractive you could chop her head off and put it on blue velvet in the window at Tiffanys and somebody would buy it for a million dollars. A woman would say, You are so attractive, today, the therapist says. Now, you, Brandy. You say it. express the modifier, not the adjective. Brandy Alexander looks her Burning Blueberry eyes at me in the doorway and says, Posing girl, you are so Godawful ugly. Did you let an elephant sit on your face or what? Brandys voice, I barely hear what she says.At that instant, I just adore Brandy so much. Everything about her feels as good as being beautiful and looking in a mirror. Brandy is my instant royal family. My only everything to live for. I go, Cfoieb svns ois, and I pile the cold, wet turkey into the speech therapists lap, her sitting pinned under twenty-five pounds of dead meat in her roll-around leather desk chair. From closer down the hallway, Sister Katherine is yelling, Yoohoo Mriuvn wsi sjaoi aj, I go, and wheel the therapist and her chair into the hallway. I say, Jownd wine sm fdo dcncw. The speech therapist, shes smiling up at me and says, You dont have to thank me, its just my job is all. The nuns arrived with the man and his I. V. stand, a new man with no skin or crushed features or all his teeth bashed out, a man whod be perfect for me. My one true love. My deformed or mutilated or diseased prince charming. My unhappily ever after. My hideous future. The monstrous rest of my life. I slam the office door and lock myself inside with Brandy Alexander. Theres the speech therapists notebook on her desk, and I snatch it. save me, I write, and wave it in Brandys face.I write please. Jump to Brandy Alexanders hands. This always starts with her hands. Brandy Alexander puts a hand out, one of those hairy pigknuckled hands with the veins of her arm crowded and squeezed to the elbow with bangle bracelets of every color. Just by herself, Brandy Alexander is su ch a shift in the beauty standard that no one thing stands out. Not even you. So, girl, Brandy says. What all happened to your face? Birds. I write birds, birds ate my face. And I start to laugh. Brandy doesnt laugh. Brandy says, Whats that supposed to mean? And Im still laughing. was driving on the freeway, I write. And Im still laughing. someone shot a 30-caliber bullet from a rifle. the bullet tore my entire lecturebone off my face. Still laughing. i came to the hospital, I write. i did not die. Laughing. they couldnt put my jaw back because seagulls had eaten it. And I stop laughing. Girl, your handwriting is terrible, Brandy says. Now tell me what else. And I start to cry. what else, I write, is i have to eat baby food. i cant talk. i have no career. i have no home. my fiance left me. nobody will look at me. all my clothes, my best friend ruined them.Im still crying. What else? Brandy says. Tell me everything. a boy, I write. a little boy in the supermarket called me a mo nster. Those Burning Blueberry eyes look right at me the way no eyes have all summer. Your perception is all fucked up, Brandy says. All you can talk about is trash thats already happened. She says, You cant base your life on the past or the present. Brandy says, You have to tell me about your future. Brandy Alexander, she stands up on her gold lame leg-hold trap shoes. The queen supreme takes a jeweled compact out of her clutch bag and naps the compact open to look at the mirror inside. That therapist, those Plumbago lips say, the speech therapist can be so stupid about these situations. The big jeweled arm muscles of Brandy sit me down in the seat still hot from her ass, and she holds the compact so I can see inside. Instead of face powder, its full of white capsules. Where there should be a mirror, theres a close up photo of Brandy Alexander smiling and looking terrific. Theyre Vicodins, dear, she says. Its the Marilyn Monroe school of medicine where enough of any drug will c ure any disease. She says, Dig in.Help yourself. The thin and eternal goddess that she is, Brandys picture smiles up at me over a sea of painkillers. This is how I met Brandy Alexander. This is how I found the strength not to get on with my former life. This is how I found the courage not to pick up the same old pieces. Now, those Plumbago lips say, You are going to tell me your story like you just did. save it all down. Tell that story over and over. Tell me your sad-assed story all night. That Brandy queen points a long bony finger at me. When you understand, Brandy says, that what youre telling is just a story.It isnt happening anymore. When you realize the story youre telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, Brandy says, then well figure out who youre going to be. CHAPTER F O U R Jump to the Canadian border. Jump to the three of us in a rented Lincoln Town Car, waiting to drive southwesterly from Vancouver, British Columbi a, into the United States, waiting, with Signore Romeo in the drivers seat, waiting with Brandy next to him in the front, waiting, with me alone in the back. The police have microphones, Brandy tells us.The plan is if we make it through the border, well drive south to Seattle where there are nightclubs and dance clubs where gogo boys and go-go girls will line up to buy the pockets of my purse clean. We have to be quiet because the police, they have microphones on both sides of the border, United States and Canadian. This way, they can listen in on people waiting to cross. We could have Cuban cigars. Fresh fruit. Diamonds. Diseases. Drugs, Brandy says. Brandy, she tells us to shut up a mile before the border, and we wait in line, quiet. Brandy unwinds the yards and yards of rocade scarf around her head. Brandy, she shakes her hair down her back and ties the scarf over her shoulders to hide her torpedo cleavage. Brandy switches to simple(a) gold earrings. She takes off her pearls and puts on a little chain with a gold cross. This is a moment before the border fight down. Your nationalities? the border-guard guy sitting inside his little window, behind his computer terminal with his clipboard and his blue suit behind his mirrored sunglasses, and behind his gold badge says. Sir, Brandy says, and her new voice is as bland and drawled out as grits without salt or butter.She says, Sir, we are citizens of the United States of America, what used to be called the greatest country on earth until the homosexuals and child pornographers Your names? says the border guy. Brandy leans across Alfa to look up at the border guy, My husband, she says, is an innocent man. Your name, please, he says, no doubt looking up our license plate, finding its a rental car, rented in Billings, Montana, three weeks ago, maybe even finding the truth about who we really are. Maybe finding bulletin after bulletin from all over occidental Canada about three nut cases stealing drugs at big h ouses up for ale. Maybe all this is spooling onto his computer screen, maybe none of it. You never know. I am married, Brandy is almost yelling to get his attention. I am the wife of the Reverend Scooter Alexander, she says, still half laid across Alfas lap. And this, she says and draws the invisible line from her smile to Alfa, this is my son-in-law, Seth Thomas. Her big hand flies toward me in the backseat. This, she says, is my daughter, Bubba-Joan. Some days, I hate it when Brandy changes our lives without warning. Sometimes, twice in one day, you have to live up to a new identity.A new name. New relationships. Handicaps. Its hard to remember who I started this road trip being. No doubt, this is the kind of stress the constantly mutating AIDS virus must feel. Sir? the border guy says to Seth, at a time Alfa Romeo, formerly Chase Manhattan, formerly Nash Rambler, formerly Wells Fargo, formerly Eberhard Faber. The guard says, Sir, are you bringing any purchases back with you into t